A piece of my broken heart…

For the past year, my family has been going through some incredibly difficult times. I haven’t been able to talk about it openly because it involves a child in foster care. As we all know, confidentially is of the utmost importance in situations like these. I’m at a point where I have to reach out to you and seek some encouragement.

For now, while confidentiality is still important, I will refer to the child in question as “Little miss R”.

a piece of my broken heart

Little miss R has been in foster care for a little over a year now and is likely to remain where she is until the end of the school year. She is very important to us because she’s family. We wanted to foster her but it was declined because we live too far from her. We live in different provinces. Her mother is still fighting to keep her visitation rights, and while she shows interest in her child, she needs to live within the same area as her mother.

For a year, due to confidentially reasons, the case workers are not legally allowed to tell us how things are going. And of course, the mother will NOT share any information with us. What she does share is usually a lie or a fabrication of her imagination. I understand and respect the reasons why the case workers can’t share information with us. I get it. It also doesn’t make it easier to live a whole year in the dark. Not knowing what’s going on.

This year has been a true test on my Faith.

This is my favourite scripture to read when I get frustrated, I don’t understand what’s going on and I don’t know how to deal with the situations we are faced with.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

I even have it printed and taped on my bathroom wall so I can read it every time I go to the bathroom!

Today, we have begun the paper work to become Little Miss R’s long term foster family in the event that she does not return to her mother. I feel like I’m finally doing something to help. It helps my heart to do something that feels useful. But all this paper work is a bit overwhelming. It’s very thorough and personal. And it’s just the beginning!

We’re willing to do it all. Don’t get me wrong. I’m just overwhelmed. I can’t wait for all of this to be over. For the judge to make his final decision and for us all to be able to move on with our lives. To begin healing from our hurts and gain some kind of normalcy again.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m often sad as I think of how she is hurt by the things her mothers says to her during her visits. I think of how we’d love to tuck her in at night and smother her with hugs and kisses. How she deserves to feel the same kind of love as our children do. It makes me sad that her life is so different than my children’s. She deserves better. We want to give her a happy and healthy and loved life. But we must wait.

We are however, very grateful for the foster family that she does have. She is well cared for and loved where she is. Thank you God! That does help us to continue on our journey. They are fantastic!

But as wonderful as they are, that is not her permanent home. We are all ready for this to be over. I’m having a day where I want to behave like a 2 year old, drop on the floor and pound my feet and fists in a tantrum, and cry “I want it to end! I want it to end!”. But alas, I can’t. It would be uncivilised and just plain ridiculous. Not helpful one bit!

Well, if I can’t have a tantrum, what CAN I do? How do I continue to wait patiently? How do I continue to have Faith that God will take care of this? How do I keep from losing my cool?

I keep most of these feelings bottled up inside. I discuss this with my husband, but other than that, we keep so much of this private. Some of our friends know certain details, but I don’t think I’ve been able to share how much this all hurts. How broken I feel. I’m afraid if I say it out loud, I may not be able to stop crying.

For any of you that are foster families, I want to thank you for the wonderful and selfless work that you do. Thank you for putting up with the messed up parents and with all the baggage these kids come with. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!!! May you are your loved ones be blessed beyond measure…

For any of you who have been where I am, I could use some words of encouragement. Words of wisdom. Prayers. I’m not sure.

What have you done to help you get through difficult days? How do you deal with the hurt and the waiting and not knowing what’s going on?

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4 thoughts on “A piece of my broken heart…

  1. You are very brave putting this out for the world to see. I am proud of you, and encouraged by not only your empathy, but love and understanding. It is good you are in a place to move forward, hang in there. 🙂 Ps. the tantrum might not help but its a great back up plan *wink* Thinking of you

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  2. First off, thank YOU for opening your home and heart to a child in need. It is so hard to do foster care and I believe it is a calling. God has given you a gift. I am sorry for all that you are going through, the ups and downs, the uncertainty, the pain. God is faithful and that is the only way I get through the difficult days. I pray scriptures into my life. I spend more time on my knees when the days are harder. I find that it draws me closer to him. But another thing I do that helps is focusing my attention on something else or someone else. Making a meal for a busy or sick family, calling a friend in need, or putting my time into someone who has it worse than me. It gives me perspective on my own life and also brings me joy to know I am helping someone out. You are an amazing mom and I pray God brings you peace, strength, and joy through this journey. Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I could spend more time on my knees. And I could also use a distraction. I’ll see if praying more and trying to focus my attention on other things could help. Thank you so much for your kind words. Blessings to you to! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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